I feel like I'm on the biggest motherfucking roller coaster of my life.  I just finally learn to accept some things and new things blow up in my face.  My little brother is well.  My older brothers are great.  My dad is stressed as all get out.  My mom and I can't stand being around each other unless she's drinking or I'm drunk...something along those lines...

Friends however are different.  What is a friend?  I'm sure somewhere a definition would include words such as, trustworthy, a good person to be around, a fun person to be around, someone you confide in, and someone who is there for you like you are/were for them...Hmm...interesting.  So lets consider the possibilities....I either A) haven't ever had friends (which I believe to be a definate lie)  B) I somehow did something wrong to the friends I HAD  C)  They dont' give a shit, I'm only here when they need someone to complain to.

Okay, so after that I've decided its got to be C.  They quit calling, I tried calling.  People ignored me.  Why?  I don't know.  Fucking rumors.  I'm so sick of this right now. 

I guess alot of this is that, hundreds of miles away I know theres a guy out there who I am probably more in love with than I could fathom at this very low moment of time...

I already went through the "why shannon is in a shitty mood detail/ the shitty day I had"  on my myspace account so I give up on this one.  I feel like a quitter.  But I don't really care.  The only thing keeping me from taking money out of the bank and just flying down to CO to see Kyle by tomorrow, is probably...the fact that I'm still just 17. 

Every day I think...."just until my birthday before I see him again"  and lines like, stop thinking about him your just making it worse on yourself, swirl through my brain just like a goddamn marquee for a website.   Its driving me crazy.  I can't get him off my mind. I think it would be more logical to count the times I catch myself NOT thinking about him than the times I AM thinking about him. 

I want him here so bad....I suppose running into his mom yesterday and talking to her didn't help.  I just realized though....I would go anywhere, I would do anything for this guy....and if I couldn't have him....I could only see myself falling apart to the point of completely losing it, before someone had to send me off to an institute or something....

If that isn't love, than its just some sick perversion of life, twisted into my heart and remembered as love.

*Shan*

Where are you?  I've been dreaming about you so long.  I swear I'll wake up one day and you'll be lying next to me.  If hiding what causes my fingers to go numb, my breath to fall short, and my heart to skip beats frequently is how I protect myself from the crutches of others broken hearted memories.  Then i'll do it.  But when I am with you I feel I'm floating on air.  You make me feel free, and I forget to be wrapped up in securing myself in this world.  You bring me to life, until you are here I'm just another wanderer.  The minute I can feel your arms around me again is when I become animated, illuminated by an unseen light.

Love,  why have you taken so long to find.  Why did my road have so much more heartbreak?  It seems like you took forever to find.  But then again, at the same time, this is nothing at all.  I catch myself, falling apart without you.  This sick scene of plastered on smiles and fake emotion conjured up from years of mistake is catching up to me.  Disbelief that I'm finally so close, but....so very far away.  Could I just have you here?  God, please.  Just a day for now.  Is this making me stronger?  I only feel I'm being broken down.  Weakened by my own thoughts and pain. 

Some days without you its like lying on the floor suffocating with the weight of the world upon my chest.  I just hope this works out for the best.  Cause right now I can't do anything but miss you.  And I always was the dreamer.  I hope this dream comes true.  I don't want to spend all the rest of my days just missing you. 

Aww, Kyle sent me the song....Keep on lovin' you, by REO Speedwagon.  He's so cute.  Knows the best way to my heart =D  through music....

In love. In lust. In heartbreak. And regret
In hatred. In lying. In cheating. And fear.
We all feel pain.  We all feel pain.

These encrypted memories of false love.  Entrusted upon those who dared.  I thought I cared.  I thought I tried.  Guess it doesn't matter.  You didn't care if I cried.

Anywho....don't know, don't ask.  Weird mood.  Rainy days..."rain rain go away come again another day..."  or never....well it is good, just not this much....I think I'm tired.  I want to give what everyone wants to see.  I know what they want, I give them what they want to see.  The world is happy.  Well except for me. lol rhyming can be fun.  I don't know, honestly.....I don't want to be honest.  Each day I fall more in love with the right guy who is also the wrong guy at the moment.....grawr.  I suppose that its all because of realizing things ya know. All part of growing.  Who knows, maybe I think to much.  I'm gonna go.  Later. 

"How I wish, I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl, year after year. Runnin down the same old ground, and how we found, the same old fears. Wish you were here."

Well my hands smell of grease, oil, WD-40, my hands up past my elbows have black lines and patches and it doesn't seem to matter how many times I wash them the smell won't go away and the black only fades to gray.  I can't even say I'm satisfied because my car still sounds like crap.  I'm aggrivated to no end.  I don't care what anyone says its the alternator and I will not back down from that point this time.  I'm going back to either Lorens or Midas and this time I'm not gonna have them just dink around and bs through it.  I know its not the belt.  I know its not any of the pulleys.  Its the damn bearings on my alternator.  GRAWR. 

My older brother and sister in law got home today and so my neices weekend stay ends.  She's adorable, her and my other brothers gf (Tamera) her daughter, they could make you want kids too.  Not any time soon of course =P  My other older brother got home from hunting he got a buck, nothing big but he wasn't really looking for something huge.  So thats hanging out in our shed, nice site to see, I'm sure most girls would throw up at thought but meh...

Not ready for Monday.  I won't be ready for monday ever. 

Somehow late last night Kyle and I ended up talking on the internet, I got home around 11:30 he was home around the same time.  Its an odd thing about us.  When we are thinking about each other alot, we attract each other and draw each other in just for some form of being in the others presense.  His older brother is in town I guess visiting his girlfriend, and he wishes he could have come, but I understand things now better than before...His other roommate is a girl.  She apparently is getting married really soon, and just went out to buy her dress yesterday.  Its weird.  We were both on webcam and when he mentioned that, I knew what he was thinking, I'm sure I do.  Right after that he blew me a kiss...I know this is all so wrong, not Kyle and I...but the fact that ....well.....Trevin.....and that whole ordeal. 

Anyways I've got so much going on in my head lately that I decided I don't want to think about my own life.  I've immersed myself in movies, TV shows, but mainly books. 

I feel winter is about to smack me in the face.  I don't like winter.  Id love it if he was here.  I'd live in Alaska for him....anywhere...though I know he doesn't like winter just as much as I do.  Someday this will be over.  And I hope to look back and laugh.  I hope to be laying in a mess of blankets and pillows talking about all of this next to him laughing and joking like it was nothing.  Though we know it could be everything.  The next move....could break the fragile peices of two hearts that are teetering on edge because of where we lay right now.

Goodnight
Sweet Dreams,
Wish for the wishful,
Shoot for the impossible
Don't miss the importance of falling stars
The next one could shoot through your door
Would you take the chance
Or hide beneath your sheets in fear?

*Shan*

WE ARE LOST AND WE ARE FOUND. NO ONE WILL STOP US OR SLOW US DOWN. WE ARE NAMED AND WE ARE KNOWN. WE KNOW THAT WE WILL NEVER WALK ALONE. 

Tamara (My oldest brother, Adrian, his girlfriend) and I went and hung out yesterday at a coffee place.  Chilled =P haha, you know the usual.  Anyways she told me this, after we ended up on the topic of me and guys...."Oh I heard your parents talking about you and some guy the day I was over there getting my key and you were going to dinner, with some guy, your mom said 'I think she really likes this one' and your dad said 'he's a nice guy, one of the only guys I don't mind her being around at all, I trust the guy pretty well from what I've heard he's a good kid'" then I told Tamara that they were talking about Kyle and she was all smiley for me.  I still have a snag or two, things will find their way.  I'm a little dissapointed in myself, I have 2 C's right now =(  then 2 B's and 3 A's so the last part is good the first two are bad though.

I love Halloween, I need to find my costume though dammit!!  And whats with all the parties suddenly?!? Shit I can't keep up anymore.  I'm like party hopping to keep everyone happy.  Family BBQ's/"safety meetings"(you couldn't even understand what a safety meeting is so I'll tell you...basically its the guys from work, who I work with, from my dads company, getting drunk)  then theres Birthdays every freakin weekend, and random no reason parties and holiday parties, keggers and boy the most recent finding was a new kind of party for me to hear about...around here anyways....a "sex" party....HAHA.  Anyways I gotta go.  Laterz